Friendship

Hmmm writing honestly about this is going to suck. This month two of my closest friends called into question something that I pride myself on: my friendships. I had thought that that was something that I’d gotten right, something I wasn’t half bad at. I kinda figured that this is why people come to me for advice or to vent or whatever. But I guess that isn’t the case. Instead I find out that I’m “someone who hurts her friends” and who is “highly critical.” And so I don’t have much to say anymore. And who knows you better than your friends? I judge myself by my friends. I regard them as pretty awesome people and I’ve considered myself lucky to have them in my life, and so to be found so lacking in the friendship skills area by two people who know me so well… I have no choice but to figure that it’s true. I may not coddle and comfort, but I won’t lie about how I feel. I guess that makes me a bitch. I’m glad that there are things that I do keep to myself. I am glad that I don’t say everything I could and everything that I want to, because God only knows what my friends would think of me then. And so it hurts. Because I don’t want to hurt the people around me. So what do you do when just by being you is enough to hurt the people around you or make them feel criticized?

You change. That’s what you do.

I’ll take a step back. People don’t need to know what I think. I have nothing to say. Good, bad, or otherwise. I will take a less active part in what goes on around me. I will not be so involved in the lives of my friends. At this moment, I’m not even comfortable with them coming to me for …anything… because I don’t want to hurt them. It sucks, cutting yourself off. Stifling your thoughts and opinions. Wanting to help but being afraid that something you’ll say will just end up hurting someone you care about. I’ve had plenty of blows emotionally, but I don’t think I’ve had one regarding the type of friend I am, never to this extent. Seriously, friendship…the one thing I thought I was doing right. I feel like I’ve made the effort to make this year rock. I’ve suggested outings and events. Each one pretty dang awesome, I think. But I’m tired. What’s the point? Oh well, the year is young. But wow, I haven’t hurt like this in awhile, finding myself tearing up or crying almost every day since it was said.


Update (March): At least I've stopped crying now and I've stopped feeling quite so sorry for myself.