#SujaSadFace Part One cont...

Day one continued...

But is productivity worth it? Is it worth the grumbling tummy? The not-quite-in-focus eyesight? The ache that dances just outside your head? At this point, I'm starting to have my doubts. But I'm totally owning this cleaning thing. Things that haven't been cleaned for 5+ years are getting a scrub down! This, this is nice. I like a clean place. I've noticed that I feel better mentally and emotionally when I come home and the place is clean. It doesn't have to be tidy, but...clean. So yea, fine, I begrudgingly admit that it miigghhht be worth it. Sshhh, don't tell anyone.

While moving the furniture, I've downed "lunch," something called Purify, made up of carrot, apple, celery, cucumber, red beet, and lemon. But at this point, it's not enough. I need more. Football has been playing in the background for most of the day, and my team is now playing. I give in. I open up an avocado. I'm weak. I bathe it in lemon. This is going to be so delicious. I sprinkle salt and pepper on it. Seriously, so weak. And I sit. And I swear, it's the creamiest, most flavorful avocado I've ever had. I scrape it clean. If I could eat the skin, I would. *sigh

I move on, trying to forget about the feeling of food in my mouth, because I know that I cheated. I know that I shouldn't have. So, more cleaning!

(I've noticed that my short term memory has been greatly affected by this as I can't remember when I decided to have any of the other "meals," but I can say that I liked the next one. Fiji is a mixture of apple, celery, cucumber, kale, collard greens, lemon, ginger, and spinach. I love ginger and lemon, so this one... *thumbs up. Dinner was Green Supreme and only contains apple, kale, and lemon... not a bad taste, but not satisfying in the least. Somewhere in there, I cleaned more things. At some point, I also had maybe a teaspoon of Chia seeds, hoping they'd fill all the gaps in my stomach.)

Hanna left for her massage while I was having "dinner"... I think. And what's great is that when I'm home alone, I have a tendency not to eat anyway. For the first time on day one, I'm not hungry! It's awful because it doesn't make sense, but it's so nice not to be hungry.

I start in on "dessert" shortly after she comes back. I was looking forward to this one. I thought that it would be a little...thicker. Oh, how short it fell from my expectations! This isn't to say that it doesn't taste good; this is just to say that I wish it were decidedly more concentrated. It's called Vanilla Cloud...which is fitting...because clouds are made of water, and that's what this tasted like. Comprised of water, almond milk, honey, coconut meat (that's a lie), cinnamon, ground vanilla bean, and nutmeg, it has so much potential.

Alas, I need more. Another cheat. I pour more coconut milk into the drink, grab a teaspoon of honey, and some almond slivers. It could be so much worse. That little bit helps a great deal. Meanwhile, I also finish several really easy craft-y projects, simple things liking gluing paper into a book. Simple, because my mind has lost its ability to function at a higher level.

It's night now and it's time for a new tactic. Sleeping so as not to think about food. I am kind of afraid to try to sleep. I am afraid I'll dream of food. I go into my room and ....clean a little... I can't seem to stop. But seriously, the progress is amazing. I fill out my daily journal. I pray. I read the Bible. I'm proud that I made it through day one. It wasn't pretty, but it's done (and really, really productive). And I close my eyes, hoping that tomorrow is better.

#SujaSadFace Part One

Day one on this God-forsaken journey. I wake up. It’s a Sunday morning. The sun is shining. The birds are chirping. I try to stretch, but I’m sore and stiff from boxing and my massage the previous day. I think I’ll take a scalding hot shower to loosen up my muscles and do a little bit of yoga. Mmm, Sunday mornings. Sundays mean sleeping in, football, and a nice, delicious, ridiculously filling breakfast. But not today. Not this Sunday. This Sunday means waking up, heating up some water, adding in some lemon and apple cider vinegar, and drinking that down in preparation for “breakfast.”

Breakfast. I’m dreading it, dreading it because the term is used so loosely here. Today, breakfast will mean a bottle of the color green, called Glow. Today, breakfast is liquefied apples, celery, cucumber, kale, collards, spinach, and mint tea. Today, breakfast is sad.

I have a hard time starting the day and being productive, because it doesn’t feel like a day can start without having eaten anything. The drink itself isn’t bad. When I open the bottle, I instantly smell the cucumber and celery. The taste isn’t bad at all. I really do like all of the things in the drink. Let me clarify, I like EATING all of the things in the drinks. Minus collards. I’ve never tried collards. I don’t understand the benefit of juicing over just eating all of these things. I do understand the magical balance of ingredients that companies claim to have come across in making juices like this, but I’d feel so much more full and satisfied if they’d just let me eat the cucumber instead of drinking it!

Chewing. Masticating. Gnashing. Nom-ing. Oh, how I miss you! I know that this is a trick of my mind. I know that it’s just a motion, the habit, that I miss. Knowing this doesn’t help.

I know I need to clean today, but I don’t want to. I know that I’ll be hungry. I know that I have to clean the kitchen. That magical room that holds all the food. I don’t want to. Food, food, all around, but not a bite to eat. I start cleaning though, slowly. Hanna helps me move the table and the shoes so that I can vacuum. I’m so hungry. I already finished “breakfast.” Dare I start on my mid-morning “snack” so soon after? Yes. Yes, I dare. I start to feel a little better as I drink down Fuel, an orange mixture of carrot, apple, pineapple, orange, lemon, and turmeric. This is actually delicious. This would taste amazing paired with scrambled eggs and toast.

As Hanna and I move things back, we start bemoaning our choices, and I may point out that we have no one to blame but each other, and that, really, Hanna’s the one that found this program…soooooo….

But no, this is good. I’m going to feel so great! So healthy! My body is going to love me! Someday…someday…

I start vacuuming the rest of the living room. I stand back. My head is a little dizzy from the lack of food. My jaw feels locked for lack of exercise. My stomach is wondering if my throat was slit. That’s obviously the only logical explanation as to why I haven’t EATEN anything. Suddenly, I want to rearrange all of the furniture. Delirium? Maybe. Still a good idea? Yes. Clean, clean, clean. No rest. Around this time is when I realize that that’s why I’m being so ridiculously thorough. If I stop moving, I’ll notice just how hungry I am. If I stop, I’ll want to eat. If I stay busy, I’ll be distracted. So Hanna and I move the couch, move the tv, move all of the things, and rearrange the living room, the living room that literally has not been rearranged in the 7 years I’ve lived there. Juicing makes you more productive?

 

Let me rise

Let me rise above it all,
Above the din and roar.
Give me wings, eagle's wings,
So I may soar, and soar.

December

The end of the year,
Holidays and good cheer.
See how far we've come
And how far we have to go.
A time for reflection,
Look back and delight.
A time for aspirations,
Making dreams ignite.
Close another chapter
And stare at a blank page.
December brought on adventures,
Viejas nights, laughter, and fights,
A New Year's trip to Idyllwild,
And an 8.4 mile hike.
December brought on illness,
Coughing, hacking, and the plague;
Time at home
Just wasn't the same.
And now the passing of a pet,
Tinker, the cuddliest cat I've ever met.
Time brings on changes,
The good and the bad.
We only know how strong we are
Once it's all been said.
So look ahead, look ahead
To 2014!
Leave the past behind
And start all over again.

November

November flew by
In the blink of an eye!
No time to breathe!
No time to sigh!
Weekends at Viejas,
Everyday phone calls,
Thanksgiving's come and gone.
Next thing you know,
There's a dusting of snow
In the mountains of east San Diego.

October

October, full of frights,
Full of dark secrets,
Full of sprites.
I travelled to Tucson, to Tombstone,
To Flagstaff,
Burned some rubber along route 66.
On our way down the river,
Saw the beauty of America.
A few days on the road,
Windows rolled down,
And music turned up,
But I couldn't escape all that I'd hoped.
Borrowed trouble in my mind,
Borrowed trouble in my heart.
Not even sure how to explain the confusion
In both, as far as men are concerned.
Flirting and humor, romance and heartache,
Just like all of the tales so often told,
And me, just trying to go with the flow.

September

September had its ups and downs,
Great concerts, long hours, and a few more rounds.
Two men and their guitars
Kicked off the month.
Another trip to LA,
Just to hear these fellas play
Was worth every bit of coffee
I had to drink the next day.
Then Opening week hit like a hammer!
Early mornings, long days,
But not even eleven thousand students
Could make us stammer.
Whirled into the wind
By a visiting friend
Left me tired but happy,
Confused and unnerved,
And a dozen other things
That I probably deserved.
We'll see where this goes.
We'll see what this brings,
And which way the wind blows.