Hmmm writing honestly about this is going to suck. This
month two of my closest friends called into question something that I pride
myself on: my friendships. I had thought that that was something that I’d
gotten right, something I wasn’t half bad at. I kinda figured that this is why
people come to me for advice or to vent or whatever. But I guess that isn’t the
case. Instead I find out that I’m “someone who hurts her friends” and who is “highly
critical.” And so I don’t have much to say anymore. And who knows you better
than your friends? I judge myself by my friends. I regard them as pretty
awesome people and I’ve considered myself lucky to have them in my life, and so
to be found so lacking in the friendship skills area by two people who know me
so well… I have no choice but to figure that it’s true. I may not coddle and
comfort, but I won’t lie about how I feel. I guess that makes me a bitch. I’m
glad that there are things that I do keep to myself. I am glad that I don’t say
everything I could and everything that I want to, because God only knows what
my friends would think of me then. And so it hurts. Because I don’t want to
hurt the people around me. So what do you do when just by being you is enough
to hurt the people around you or make them feel criticized?
You change. That’s what you do.
I’ll take a step back. People don’t need to know what I
think. I have nothing to say. Good, bad, or otherwise. I will take a less
active part in what goes on around me. I will not be so involved in the lives
of my friends. At this moment, I’m not even comfortable with them coming to me
for …anything… because I don’t want to hurt them. It sucks, cutting yourself
off. Stifling your thoughts and opinions. Wanting to help but being afraid that
something you’ll say will just end up hurting someone you care about. I’ve had
plenty of blows emotionally, but I don’t think I’ve had one regarding the type
of friend I am, never to this extent. Seriously, friendship…the one thing I thought I was doing right.
I feel like I’ve made the effort to make this year
rock. I’ve suggested outings and events. Each one pretty
dang awesome, I think. But I’m tired. What’s the point? Oh well, the year is
young. But wow, I haven’t hurt like this in awhile, finding myself tearing up
or crying almost every day since it was said.
Update (March): At least I've stopped crying now and I've stopped feeling quite so sorry for myself.
Update (March): At least I've stopped crying now and I've stopped feeling quite so sorry for myself.
