#SujaSadFace Part Three

Day Three… the end is in sight…

I wake up grumpy. I’d dreamt of food. I grump at my alarm. I grump at the sun. (I’m sorry, sun.) I grump my way into the kitchen to heat up some water for the lemon and apple cider vinegar. And I become a little less grumpy as I drink some of it while waiting for the shower to heat up. The shower helps too. I can feel myself waking up and I’m a little less grumpy. I feel like most of the grumpiness comes from just plain not feeling well. I feel slightly feverish. Detoxing.

I get ready for work. My mind is sluggish. I can’t seem to concentrate on any one task. It’s almost zen-like. I’ve moved beyond the hunger. My mind does feel quieter. It’s not being pulled in a billion different directions, but I think that’s just because it doesn’t have the resources to do so. But the quiet is nice. I’m not thinking ahead. I’m not borrowing trouble. Because all of that is a waste of the little fuel that my body and mind seem to have. I’m living a couple hours at a time. Is it possible that I’m more in the now? Hmmm, that is a good thing.

We drive to work. I’m late. I don’t even care. (I kind of care.) It’s my own fault. It always is. I don’t have the emotional resources to beat myself up over it.

I’d had a swig of coffee before leaving the house. I didn’t feel like I needed it, but I was afraid that if I didn’t take at least one gulp, I’d be paying the price for the rest of the day. I’ll do better tomorrow. Right now, at this moment (8:49am), I think I can do the four days…but talk to me again around dinner.

I’m at work, at my desk, and there’s a little surprise Christmas stocking with a little bottle of perfume in it. No note, no nothing. I have NO idea who it’s from.

I open up Glow. The first drink is terrible today. I begin to be afraid that I’ll develop an aversion to all of the things in these drinks because this is an unpleasant experience. And that would be a shame. But as I continue to drink, it starts to actually taste pretty good. There’s hope yet…

Jim, the oldest person in the department, comes by and asks if I got the present. It’s from him! I’d have never guessed! Makes me smile so much! I needed this. I was always pretty sure he didn’t like me.

It’s 10:38am and I’ve started Fuel. I don’t want think. I’m trying not to guzzle it. I don’t feel hungry. I mean, I do, but I don’t want to eat. I just want to feel full. It’s a very interesting. I don’t really miss chewing..right now. But I do really, really miss feeling satisfied. And I miss having my wits about me.

It’s nearing to lunch. I don’t want to drink something for lunch. I want to eat. I’m not really craving anything anymore, just the feeling of fullness.

I go down to check out the new space I’ll have at work. I don’t want to move. It’s so quiet down there. But, more motivation to go! I open up “lunch.” This is not delicious. I’m getting angry at the lack of food. I take a few drinks. I’m feeling a smidge better.

The co-worker who made me want to cry yesterday just came by to apologize. It was a sincere apology. And it made me tear up again. This is stupid. But, if I’m being honest, any sincere apology makes me want to cry. I suck on some more almonds.

I don’t want to eat. I don’t like this. I’m so hungry, but I don’t feel like eating.

We’re about to have a going away party with snacks for our team. This is such a joke. Our director is doing this more for show than for us. I’m not looking forward to it, and for the way I’m feeling, I may say something that I’ll regret. (But will I regret it?)  

It’s after lunch. I cheated. I failed. I couldn’t do it. I had hummus, some dressing, a cheese slice, and a cracker. But I feel so much better. My head feels clear. I can think. I can carry on a conversation. I want more food. I might need more food. I can concentrate again. It’s amazing! The cheese tasted extra sharp, the bread…my heavens! I died a thousand deaths in that bread! But I feel ashamed. And I don’t like that. I don’t like a program that makes you feel ashamed. I like programs that are about moderation. I know that it’s in my own hands. I can snack if I want/need to, but you’re not supposed to by the standards of the programs. And so, by the standards of the program, I failed.

I’m hungry again. It’s almost 4:00pm. I’m drinking my mid afternoon snack. I do really like this one. Not filling, but definitely delicious. I just had another snack! I cannot tell you how much better I feel.

Almost time to go.

I get home. I still feel ashamed. All is lost. I failed the program. But I want food. I need to start reintroducing food anyway. This doesn't make me feel better about myself. I can't fight how clear my head felt, though, and how much more awake I was, so I serve up some salsa, which of course, means chips and cheese, too. I do drink dinner with it, as I make lunch for the next day! Lunch! Can you believe it? Solid food! I make some quinoa, chop up some green onions, tomatoes, and lunch meat. I'm salivating.

I have so much energy! I'm so awake. I drink part of my dessert as I sit down to watch tv and craft. Feels like it's been days since I've had enough energy to even craft.

I make myself go to bed. I know I need sleep.

It's over. I'm not proud.

#SujaSadFace Part Two

Day Two…and I’m still adrift on this sea of liquefied vegetables and fruit

I slept so well. I wake up early. I feel refreshed and ready to start the new day! …I still have an hour before my alarm goes off… but, hey, this is a good sign!

The Turnpike Troubadours wake me up with their melodious sounds. I’m smiling. I wake up and I’m smiling. What the …? I hit snooze because I set four alarms to wake me up. There’s still no reason for me to get up just yet. When I finally do, I’m still pretty upbeat. I feel like I can take on the day!

And so begins the routine. Heat up water, add lemon and apple cider vinegar. Shower. Get dressed. Go to work.

(Again short-term memory is definitely suffering. I’m writing this post 24 hours later and I’m having a hard time remembering the little things. I don’t remember the conversation going into work. I don’t remember much of how I spent my morning.)

I have breakfast. Still feeling strong. Justine comes over to talk about some craft projects and I’m downright chipper! I try to space out my “meals.” I think I’ll aim to start the snack (Fuel) for 10:30am.

I think I get some work done. I talk to Taylor. Email my masseuse. Pack up my desk (for the big re-org…ugh).

I manage to make it to 10:30am. Fuel is delicious. Still doing okay.

Around 11:30am, I get a message from my co-worker. He and a couple others are going to Chipotle. Mmmm, Chipotle. I’m welcome to come. I don’t know why, but I agree to go. He is a friend. I expect support. I thought that’s what friends did. On the way to Chipotle, he and another start talking about food, and how they are starving, and how all of these things are going to taste sooooo good, and then, the other starts showing me pictures of food on his phone. I have to admit, I’m actually kind of hurt. I feel defeated. I feel alone. I feel unsupported. I had agreed to go for the company, but found that so very lacking.

I have an avocado and an apple with me, in case I can’t take it. And I can’t. I give in. Again. The avocado tastes so good. I douse it with lemon, salt, pepper, and tabasco. But watching my co-workers eat tortillas and cheese and salsa…my mouth is watering just thinking about it. I tell myself that the avocado is enough. I don’t break in to the apple.

The day goes downhill from there. I can’t concentrate. I can’t think. Time ticks by. I don’t even notice. I’m tired. So tired.

I hope that a little bit more food helps. I suck on almond slivers, letting them turn to mush in my mouth. Maybe just the act of salivating and swallowing will make my body think that I’m actually eating. I don’t want to cheat! I’m disappointed in myself. I’ve failed.

I pack up more things, trying to distract myself. I put on Doctor Who, while going through my massive amounts of files. This is good. Still cleaning all the things. Purging. This will hopefully help when I quit. Less crap to go through. I need to apply, but I can’t think. This also makes me sad. I want out. I need to apply.

A co-worker aggravates me and it makes me want to cry. Over-emotional much?

I quickly peel two tangerines and suck on some more almond slivers. And drink the after-lunch snack. I’m just so tired.

I drive down to pick up Hanna and we go to my chiropractic appointment. The entire car ride is spent analyzing the effects of the juices, and thinking about the first meals we’ll have. I want to go home and eat. I swear I’ll eat clean. I have a plan. I just want to eat. I don’t feel well.

The appointment goes well. I’ve made a lot of progress. I’m still off kilter but I’ve made progress. I haven’t had “dinner” yet and I forget to grab it from the back of the car. I have to wait until we’re home. I want to cook. I need to call my parents, though. My uncle isn’t doing well and he has a heart procedure on Wednesday. I want to know if there’s an update. I drink dinner while I talk to my mom. I’m distracted from hunger as I ramble to her and we talk about supplements and options for helping with a medical condition that I’m dealing with. Time has sped ever on, and I have to have “dessert” rather soon after having “dinner.” I wanted a little bit of something before going to bed. I try to eat an apple. I take a bite and it is almost sickeningly sweet. It would have been such a good apple. But it’s so sweet. I can’t go on. I eat some almonds and drink some whey with my dessert, instead.

It’s so early, but I don’t have the energy to do anything. One of the things that I was looking forward to with this was all the time freed up by not needing to prep food for the next day. But now I have free time and no energy to get anything done.

I’ve felt feverish and my leg feels like it’s cramping and won’t let go. (I think I need potassium and magnesium. This worries me. It’s a terrible thing to be vitamin or mineral deficient. I start to worry about the benefits of the program.) It might be a good idea to take a bath. Flush out the bad. Help my body get rid of everything.

I’ll admit, the bath was nice. Since my mind can’t focus, the bath was actually relaxing. Usually I just lay there and think and think and think, my mind going a mile a minute. Not this time. Not now. All I feel is warmth. I can smell the lavender, tea tree, and frankincense (it is Christmas time, after all). All I hear is the meditation music from my Pandora station. It’s so nice. I know I don’t feel well, when all I can focus on is the moment.

I’m in there a long time. When I finally get out, I get into my pjs and do some yoga, hoping that will help clear my mind and body. I’m really relaxed. I’m in a daze. I decide I really need to finish yesterday’s post. I journal. I pray. I read the Bible. And then I pass the heck out.  

#SujaSadFace Part One cont...

Day one continued...

But is productivity worth it? Is it worth the grumbling tummy? The not-quite-in-focus eyesight? The ache that dances just outside your head? At this point, I'm starting to have my doubts. But I'm totally owning this cleaning thing. Things that haven't been cleaned for 5+ years are getting a scrub down! This, this is nice. I like a clean place. I've noticed that I feel better mentally and emotionally when I come home and the place is clean. It doesn't have to be tidy, but...clean. So yea, fine, I begrudgingly admit that it miigghhht be worth it. Sshhh, don't tell anyone.

While moving the furniture, I've downed "lunch," something called Purify, made up of carrot, apple, celery, cucumber, red beet, and lemon. But at this point, it's not enough. I need more. Football has been playing in the background for most of the day, and my team is now playing. I give in. I open up an avocado. I'm weak. I bathe it in lemon. This is going to be so delicious. I sprinkle salt and pepper on it. Seriously, so weak. And I sit. And I swear, it's the creamiest, most flavorful avocado I've ever had. I scrape it clean. If I could eat the skin, I would. *sigh

I move on, trying to forget about the feeling of food in my mouth, because I know that I cheated. I know that I shouldn't have. So, more cleaning!

(I've noticed that my short term memory has been greatly affected by this as I can't remember when I decided to have any of the other "meals," but I can say that I liked the next one. Fiji is a mixture of apple, celery, cucumber, kale, collard greens, lemon, ginger, and spinach. I love ginger and lemon, so this one... *thumbs up. Dinner was Green Supreme and only contains apple, kale, and lemon... not a bad taste, but not satisfying in the least. Somewhere in there, I cleaned more things. At some point, I also had maybe a teaspoon of Chia seeds, hoping they'd fill all the gaps in my stomach.)

Hanna left for her massage while I was having "dinner"... I think. And what's great is that when I'm home alone, I have a tendency not to eat anyway. For the first time on day one, I'm not hungry! It's awful because it doesn't make sense, but it's so nice not to be hungry.

I start in on "dessert" shortly after she comes back. I was looking forward to this one. I thought that it would be a little...thicker. Oh, how short it fell from my expectations! This isn't to say that it doesn't taste good; this is just to say that I wish it were decidedly more concentrated. It's called Vanilla Cloud...which is fitting...because clouds are made of water, and that's what this tasted like. Comprised of water, almond milk, honey, coconut meat (that's a lie), cinnamon, ground vanilla bean, and nutmeg, it has so much potential.

Alas, I need more. Another cheat. I pour more coconut milk into the drink, grab a teaspoon of honey, and some almond slivers. It could be so much worse. That little bit helps a great deal. Meanwhile, I also finish several really easy craft-y projects, simple things liking gluing paper into a book. Simple, because my mind has lost its ability to function at a higher level.

It's night now and it's time for a new tactic. Sleeping so as not to think about food. I am kind of afraid to try to sleep. I am afraid I'll dream of food. I go into my room and ....clean a little... I can't seem to stop. But seriously, the progress is amazing. I fill out my daily journal. I pray. I read the Bible. I'm proud that I made it through day one. It wasn't pretty, but it's done (and really, really productive). And I close my eyes, hoping that tomorrow is better.

#SujaSadFace Part One

Day one on this God-forsaken journey. I wake up. It’s a Sunday morning. The sun is shining. The birds are chirping. I try to stretch, but I’m sore and stiff from boxing and my massage the previous day. I think I’ll take a scalding hot shower to loosen up my muscles and do a little bit of yoga. Mmm, Sunday mornings. Sundays mean sleeping in, football, and a nice, delicious, ridiculously filling breakfast. But not today. Not this Sunday. This Sunday means waking up, heating up some water, adding in some lemon and apple cider vinegar, and drinking that down in preparation for “breakfast.”

Breakfast. I’m dreading it, dreading it because the term is used so loosely here. Today, breakfast will mean a bottle of the color green, called Glow. Today, breakfast is liquefied apples, celery, cucumber, kale, collards, spinach, and mint tea. Today, breakfast is sad.

I have a hard time starting the day and being productive, because it doesn’t feel like a day can start without having eaten anything. The drink itself isn’t bad. When I open the bottle, I instantly smell the cucumber and celery. The taste isn’t bad at all. I really do like all of the things in the drink. Let me clarify, I like EATING all of the things in the drinks. Minus collards. I’ve never tried collards. I don’t understand the benefit of juicing over just eating all of these things. I do understand the magical balance of ingredients that companies claim to have come across in making juices like this, but I’d feel so much more full and satisfied if they’d just let me eat the cucumber instead of drinking it!

Chewing. Masticating. Gnashing. Nom-ing. Oh, how I miss you! I know that this is a trick of my mind. I know that it’s just a motion, the habit, that I miss. Knowing this doesn’t help.

I know I need to clean today, but I don’t want to. I know that I’ll be hungry. I know that I have to clean the kitchen. That magical room that holds all the food. I don’t want to. Food, food, all around, but not a bite to eat. I start cleaning though, slowly. Hanna helps me move the table and the shoes so that I can vacuum. I’m so hungry. I already finished “breakfast.” Dare I start on my mid-morning “snack” so soon after? Yes. Yes, I dare. I start to feel a little better as I drink down Fuel, an orange mixture of carrot, apple, pineapple, orange, lemon, and turmeric. This is actually delicious. This would taste amazing paired with scrambled eggs and toast.

As Hanna and I move things back, we start bemoaning our choices, and I may point out that we have no one to blame but each other, and that, really, Hanna’s the one that found this program…soooooo….

But no, this is good. I’m going to feel so great! So healthy! My body is going to love me! Someday…someday…

I start vacuuming the rest of the living room. I stand back. My head is a little dizzy from the lack of food. My jaw feels locked for lack of exercise. My stomach is wondering if my throat was slit. That’s obviously the only logical explanation as to why I haven’t EATEN anything. Suddenly, I want to rearrange all of the furniture. Delirium? Maybe. Still a good idea? Yes. Clean, clean, clean. No rest. Around this time is when I realize that that’s why I’m being so ridiculously thorough. If I stop moving, I’ll notice just how hungry I am. If I stop, I’ll want to eat. If I stay busy, I’ll be distracted. So Hanna and I move the couch, move the tv, move all of the things, and rearrange the living room, the living room that literally has not been rearranged in the 7 years I’ve lived there. Juicing makes you more productive?

 

Let me rise

Let me rise above it all,
Above the din and roar.
Give me wings, eagle's wings,
So I may soar, and soar.

December

The end of the year,
Holidays and good cheer.
See how far we've come
And how far we have to go.
A time for reflection,
Look back and delight.
A time for aspirations,
Making dreams ignite.
Close another chapter
And stare at a blank page.
December brought on adventures,
Viejas nights, laughter, and fights,
A New Year's trip to Idyllwild,
And an 8.4 mile hike.
December brought on illness,
Coughing, hacking, and the plague;
Time at home
Just wasn't the same.
And now the passing of a pet,
Tinker, the cuddliest cat I've ever met.
Time brings on changes,
The good and the bad.
We only know how strong we are
Once it's all been said.
So look ahead, look ahead
To 2014!
Leave the past behind
And start all over again.

November

November flew by
In the blink of an eye!
No time to breathe!
No time to sigh!
Weekends at Viejas,
Everyday phone calls,
Thanksgiving's come and gone.
Next thing you know,
There's a dusting of snow
In the mountains of east San Diego.