#SujaSadFace Part Three

Day Three… the end is in sight…

I wake up grumpy. I’d dreamt of food. I grump at my alarm. I grump at the sun. (I’m sorry, sun.) I grump my way into the kitchen to heat up some water for the lemon and apple cider vinegar. And I become a little less grumpy as I drink some of it while waiting for the shower to heat up. The shower helps too. I can feel myself waking up and I’m a little less grumpy. I feel like most of the grumpiness comes from just plain not feeling well. I feel slightly feverish. Detoxing.

I get ready for work. My mind is sluggish. I can’t seem to concentrate on any one task. It’s almost zen-like. I’ve moved beyond the hunger. My mind does feel quieter. It’s not being pulled in a billion different directions, but I think that’s just because it doesn’t have the resources to do so. But the quiet is nice. I’m not thinking ahead. I’m not borrowing trouble. Because all of that is a waste of the little fuel that my body and mind seem to have. I’m living a couple hours at a time. Is it possible that I’m more in the now? Hmmm, that is a good thing.

We drive to work. I’m late. I don’t even care. (I kind of care.) It’s my own fault. It always is. I don’t have the emotional resources to beat myself up over it.

I’d had a swig of coffee before leaving the house. I didn’t feel like I needed it, but I was afraid that if I didn’t take at least one gulp, I’d be paying the price for the rest of the day. I’ll do better tomorrow. Right now, at this moment (8:49am), I think I can do the four days…but talk to me again around dinner.

I’m at work, at my desk, and there’s a little surprise Christmas stocking with a little bottle of perfume in it. No note, no nothing. I have NO idea who it’s from.

I open up Glow. The first drink is terrible today. I begin to be afraid that I’ll develop an aversion to all of the things in these drinks because this is an unpleasant experience. And that would be a shame. But as I continue to drink, it starts to actually taste pretty good. There’s hope yet…

Jim, the oldest person in the department, comes by and asks if I got the present. It’s from him! I’d have never guessed! Makes me smile so much! I needed this. I was always pretty sure he didn’t like me.

It’s 10:38am and I’ve started Fuel. I don’t want think. I’m trying not to guzzle it. I don’t feel hungry. I mean, I do, but I don’t want to eat. I just want to feel full. It’s a very interesting. I don’t really miss chewing..right now. But I do really, really miss feeling satisfied. And I miss having my wits about me.

It’s nearing to lunch. I don’t want to drink something for lunch. I want to eat. I’m not really craving anything anymore, just the feeling of fullness.

I go down to check out the new space I’ll have at work. I don’t want to move. It’s so quiet down there. But, more motivation to go! I open up “lunch.” This is not delicious. I’m getting angry at the lack of food. I take a few drinks. I’m feeling a smidge better.

The co-worker who made me want to cry yesterday just came by to apologize. It was a sincere apology. And it made me tear up again. This is stupid. But, if I’m being honest, any sincere apology makes me want to cry. I suck on some more almonds.

I don’t want to eat. I don’t like this. I’m so hungry, but I don’t feel like eating.

We’re about to have a going away party with snacks for our team. This is such a joke. Our director is doing this more for show than for us. I’m not looking forward to it, and for the way I’m feeling, I may say something that I’ll regret. (But will I regret it?)  

It’s after lunch. I cheated. I failed. I couldn’t do it. I had hummus, some dressing, a cheese slice, and a cracker. But I feel so much better. My head feels clear. I can think. I can carry on a conversation. I want more food. I might need more food. I can concentrate again. It’s amazing! The cheese tasted extra sharp, the bread…my heavens! I died a thousand deaths in that bread! But I feel ashamed. And I don’t like that. I don’t like a program that makes you feel ashamed. I like programs that are about moderation. I know that it’s in my own hands. I can snack if I want/need to, but you’re not supposed to by the standards of the programs. And so, by the standards of the program, I failed.

I’m hungry again. It’s almost 4:00pm. I’m drinking my mid afternoon snack. I do really like this one. Not filling, but definitely delicious. I just had another snack! I cannot tell you how much better I feel.

Almost time to go.

I get home. I still feel ashamed. All is lost. I failed the program. But I want food. I need to start reintroducing food anyway. This doesn't make me feel better about myself. I can't fight how clear my head felt, though, and how much more awake I was, so I serve up some salsa, which of course, means chips and cheese, too. I do drink dinner with it, as I make lunch for the next day! Lunch! Can you believe it? Solid food! I make some quinoa, chop up some green onions, tomatoes, and lunch meat. I'm salivating.

I have so much energy! I'm so awake. I drink part of my dessert as I sit down to watch tv and craft. Feels like it's been days since I've had enough energy to even craft.

I make myself go to bed. I know I need sleep.

It's over. I'm not proud.

#SujaSadFace Part Two

Day Two…and I’m still adrift on this sea of liquefied vegetables and fruit

I slept so well. I wake up early. I feel refreshed and ready to start the new day! …I still have an hour before my alarm goes off… but, hey, this is a good sign!

The Turnpike Troubadours wake me up with their melodious sounds. I’m smiling. I wake up and I’m smiling. What the …? I hit snooze because I set four alarms to wake me up. There’s still no reason for me to get up just yet. When I finally do, I’m still pretty upbeat. I feel like I can take on the day!

And so begins the routine. Heat up water, add lemon and apple cider vinegar. Shower. Get dressed. Go to work.

(Again short-term memory is definitely suffering. I’m writing this post 24 hours later and I’m having a hard time remembering the little things. I don’t remember the conversation going into work. I don’t remember much of how I spent my morning.)

I have breakfast. Still feeling strong. Justine comes over to talk about some craft projects and I’m downright chipper! I try to space out my “meals.” I think I’ll aim to start the snack (Fuel) for 10:30am.

I think I get some work done. I talk to Taylor. Email my masseuse. Pack up my desk (for the big re-org…ugh).

I manage to make it to 10:30am. Fuel is delicious. Still doing okay.

Around 11:30am, I get a message from my co-worker. He and a couple others are going to Chipotle. Mmmm, Chipotle. I’m welcome to come. I don’t know why, but I agree to go. He is a friend. I expect support. I thought that’s what friends did. On the way to Chipotle, he and another start talking about food, and how they are starving, and how all of these things are going to taste sooooo good, and then, the other starts showing me pictures of food on his phone. I have to admit, I’m actually kind of hurt. I feel defeated. I feel alone. I feel unsupported. I had agreed to go for the company, but found that so very lacking.

I have an avocado and an apple with me, in case I can’t take it. And I can’t. I give in. Again. The avocado tastes so good. I douse it with lemon, salt, pepper, and tabasco. But watching my co-workers eat tortillas and cheese and salsa…my mouth is watering just thinking about it. I tell myself that the avocado is enough. I don’t break in to the apple.

The day goes downhill from there. I can’t concentrate. I can’t think. Time ticks by. I don’t even notice. I’m tired. So tired.

I hope that a little bit more food helps. I suck on almond slivers, letting them turn to mush in my mouth. Maybe just the act of salivating and swallowing will make my body think that I’m actually eating. I don’t want to cheat! I’m disappointed in myself. I’ve failed.

I pack up more things, trying to distract myself. I put on Doctor Who, while going through my massive amounts of files. This is good. Still cleaning all the things. Purging. This will hopefully help when I quit. Less crap to go through. I need to apply, but I can’t think. This also makes me sad. I want out. I need to apply.

A co-worker aggravates me and it makes me want to cry. Over-emotional much?

I quickly peel two tangerines and suck on some more almond slivers. And drink the after-lunch snack. I’m just so tired.

I drive down to pick up Hanna and we go to my chiropractic appointment. The entire car ride is spent analyzing the effects of the juices, and thinking about the first meals we’ll have. I want to go home and eat. I swear I’ll eat clean. I have a plan. I just want to eat. I don’t feel well.

The appointment goes well. I’ve made a lot of progress. I’m still off kilter but I’ve made progress. I haven’t had “dinner” yet and I forget to grab it from the back of the car. I have to wait until we’re home. I want to cook. I need to call my parents, though. My uncle isn’t doing well and he has a heart procedure on Wednesday. I want to know if there’s an update. I drink dinner while I talk to my mom. I’m distracted from hunger as I ramble to her and we talk about supplements and options for helping with a medical condition that I’m dealing with. Time has sped ever on, and I have to have “dessert” rather soon after having “dinner.” I wanted a little bit of something before going to bed. I try to eat an apple. I take a bite and it is almost sickeningly sweet. It would have been such a good apple. But it’s so sweet. I can’t go on. I eat some almonds and drink some whey with my dessert, instead.

It’s so early, but I don’t have the energy to do anything. One of the things that I was looking forward to with this was all the time freed up by not needing to prep food for the next day. But now I have free time and no energy to get anything done.

I’ve felt feverish and my leg feels like it’s cramping and won’t let go. (I think I need potassium and magnesium. This worries me. It’s a terrible thing to be vitamin or mineral deficient. I start to worry about the benefits of the program.) It might be a good idea to take a bath. Flush out the bad. Help my body get rid of everything.

I’ll admit, the bath was nice. Since my mind can’t focus, the bath was actually relaxing. Usually I just lay there and think and think and think, my mind going a mile a minute. Not this time. Not now. All I feel is warmth. I can smell the lavender, tea tree, and frankincense (it is Christmas time, after all). All I hear is the meditation music from my Pandora station. It’s so nice. I know I don’t feel well, when all I can focus on is the moment.

I’m in there a long time. When I finally get out, I get into my pjs and do some yoga, hoping that will help clear my mind and body. I’m really relaxed. I’m in a daze. I decide I really need to finish yesterday’s post. I journal. I pray. I read the Bible. And then I pass the heck out.  

#SujaSadFace Part One cont...

Day one continued...

But is productivity worth it? Is it worth the grumbling tummy? The not-quite-in-focus eyesight? The ache that dances just outside your head? At this point, I'm starting to have my doubts. But I'm totally owning this cleaning thing. Things that haven't been cleaned for 5+ years are getting a scrub down! This, this is nice. I like a clean place. I've noticed that I feel better mentally and emotionally when I come home and the place is clean. It doesn't have to be tidy, but...clean. So yea, fine, I begrudgingly admit that it miigghhht be worth it. Sshhh, don't tell anyone.

While moving the furniture, I've downed "lunch," something called Purify, made up of carrot, apple, celery, cucumber, red beet, and lemon. But at this point, it's not enough. I need more. Football has been playing in the background for most of the day, and my team is now playing. I give in. I open up an avocado. I'm weak. I bathe it in lemon. This is going to be so delicious. I sprinkle salt and pepper on it. Seriously, so weak. And I sit. And I swear, it's the creamiest, most flavorful avocado I've ever had. I scrape it clean. If I could eat the skin, I would. *sigh

I move on, trying to forget about the feeling of food in my mouth, because I know that I cheated. I know that I shouldn't have. So, more cleaning!

(I've noticed that my short term memory has been greatly affected by this as I can't remember when I decided to have any of the other "meals," but I can say that I liked the next one. Fiji is a mixture of apple, celery, cucumber, kale, collard greens, lemon, ginger, and spinach. I love ginger and lemon, so this one... *thumbs up. Dinner was Green Supreme and only contains apple, kale, and lemon... not a bad taste, but not satisfying in the least. Somewhere in there, I cleaned more things. At some point, I also had maybe a teaspoon of Chia seeds, hoping they'd fill all the gaps in my stomach.)

Hanna left for her massage while I was having "dinner"... I think. And what's great is that when I'm home alone, I have a tendency not to eat anyway. For the first time on day one, I'm not hungry! It's awful because it doesn't make sense, but it's so nice not to be hungry.

I start in on "dessert" shortly after she comes back. I was looking forward to this one. I thought that it would be a little...thicker. Oh, how short it fell from my expectations! This isn't to say that it doesn't taste good; this is just to say that I wish it were decidedly more concentrated. It's called Vanilla Cloud...which is fitting...because clouds are made of water, and that's what this tasted like. Comprised of water, almond milk, honey, coconut meat (that's a lie), cinnamon, ground vanilla bean, and nutmeg, it has so much potential.

Alas, I need more. Another cheat. I pour more coconut milk into the drink, grab a teaspoon of honey, and some almond slivers. It could be so much worse. That little bit helps a great deal. Meanwhile, I also finish several really easy craft-y projects, simple things liking gluing paper into a book. Simple, because my mind has lost its ability to function at a higher level.

It's night now and it's time for a new tactic. Sleeping so as not to think about food. I am kind of afraid to try to sleep. I am afraid I'll dream of food. I go into my room and ....clean a little... I can't seem to stop. But seriously, the progress is amazing. I fill out my daily journal. I pray. I read the Bible. I'm proud that I made it through day one. It wasn't pretty, but it's done (and really, really productive). And I close my eyes, hoping that tomorrow is better.

#SujaSadFace Part One

Day one on this God-forsaken journey. I wake up. It’s a Sunday morning. The sun is shining. The birds are chirping. I try to stretch, but I’m sore and stiff from boxing and my massage the previous day. I think I’ll take a scalding hot shower to loosen up my muscles and do a little bit of yoga. Mmm, Sunday mornings. Sundays mean sleeping in, football, and a nice, delicious, ridiculously filling breakfast. But not today. Not this Sunday. This Sunday means waking up, heating up some water, adding in some lemon and apple cider vinegar, and drinking that down in preparation for “breakfast.”

Breakfast. I’m dreading it, dreading it because the term is used so loosely here. Today, breakfast will mean a bottle of the color green, called Glow. Today, breakfast is liquefied apples, celery, cucumber, kale, collards, spinach, and mint tea. Today, breakfast is sad.

I have a hard time starting the day and being productive, because it doesn’t feel like a day can start without having eaten anything. The drink itself isn’t bad. When I open the bottle, I instantly smell the cucumber and celery. The taste isn’t bad at all. I really do like all of the things in the drink. Let me clarify, I like EATING all of the things in the drinks. Minus collards. I’ve never tried collards. I don’t understand the benefit of juicing over just eating all of these things. I do understand the magical balance of ingredients that companies claim to have come across in making juices like this, but I’d feel so much more full and satisfied if they’d just let me eat the cucumber instead of drinking it!

Chewing. Masticating. Gnashing. Nom-ing. Oh, how I miss you! I know that this is a trick of my mind. I know that it’s just a motion, the habit, that I miss. Knowing this doesn’t help.

I know I need to clean today, but I don’t want to. I know that I’ll be hungry. I know that I have to clean the kitchen. That magical room that holds all the food. I don’t want to. Food, food, all around, but not a bite to eat. I start cleaning though, slowly. Hanna helps me move the table and the shoes so that I can vacuum. I’m so hungry. I already finished “breakfast.” Dare I start on my mid-morning “snack” so soon after? Yes. Yes, I dare. I start to feel a little better as I drink down Fuel, an orange mixture of carrot, apple, pineapple, orange, lemon, and turmeric. This is actually delicious. This would taste amazing paired with scrambled eggs and toast.

As Hanna and I move things back, we start bemoaning our choices, and I may point out that we have no one to blame but each other, and that, really, Hanna’s the one that found this program…soooooo….

But no, this is good. I’m going to feel so great! So healthy! My body is going to love me! Someday…someday…

I start vacuuming the rest of the living room. I stand back. My head is a little dizzy from the lack of food. My jaw feels locked for lack of exercise. My stomach is wondering if my throat was slit. That’s obviously the only logical explanation as to why I haven’t EATEN anything. Suddenly, I want to rearrange all of the furniture. Delirium? Maybe. Still a good idea? Yes. Clean, clean, clean. No rest. Around this time is when I realize that that’s why I’m being so ridiculously thorough. If I stop moving, I’ll notice just how hungry I am. If I stop, I’ll want to eat. If I stay busy, I’ll be distracted. So Hanna and I move the couch, move the tv, move all of the things, and rearrange the living room, the living room that literally has not been rearranged in the 7 years I’ve lived there. Juicing makes you more productive?

 

Let me rise

Let me rise above it all,
Above the din and roar.
Give me wings, eagle's wings,
So I may soar, and soar.

December

The end of the year,
Holidays and good cheer.
See how far we've come
And how far we have to go.
A time for reflection,
Look back and delight.
A time for aspirations,
Making dreams ignite.
Close another chapter
And stare at a blank page.
December brought on adventures,
Viejas nights, laughter, and fights,
A New Year's trip to Idyllwild,
And an 8.4 mile hike.
December brought on illness,
Coughing, hacking, and the plague;
Time at home
Just wasn't the same.
And now the passing of a pet,
Tinker, the cuddliest cat I've ever met.
Time brings on changes,
The good and the bad.
We only know how strong we are
Once it's all been said.
So look ahead, look ahead
To 2014!
Leave the past behind
And start all over again.

November

November flew by
In the blink of an eye!
No time to breathe!
No time to sigh!
Weekends at Viejas,
Everyday phone calls,
Thanksgiving's come and gone.
Next thing you know,
There's a dusting of snow
In the mountains of east San Diego.

October

October, full of frights,
Full of dark secrets,
Full of sprites.
I travelled to Tucson, to Tombstone,
To Flagstaff,
Burned some rubber along route 66.
On our way down the river,
Saw the beauty of America.
A few days on the road,
Windows rolled down,
And music turned up,
But I couldn't escape all that I'd hoped.
Borrowed trouble in my mind,
Borrowed trouble in my heart.
Not even sure how to explain the confusion
In both, as far as men are concerned.
Flirting and humor, romance and heartache,
Just like all of the tales so often told,
And me, just trying to go with the flow.

September

September had its ups and downs,
Great concerts, long hours, and a few more rounds.
Two men and their guitars
Kicked off the month.
Another trip to LA,
Just to hear these fellas play
Was worth every bit of coffee
I had to drink the next day.
Then Opening week hit like a hammer!
Early mornings, long days,
But not even eleven thousand students
Could make us stammer.
Whirled into the wind
By a visiting friend
Left me tired but happy,
Confused and unnerved,
And a dozen other things
That I probably deserved.
We'll see where this goes.
We'll see what this brings,
And which way the wind blows.

August

Start the month off with a bang!
Making memories all the time!
Followed a band up to LA,
Followed it up to SLO,
Fell in love with a fiddle,
A harmonica, a banjo.
Laughs on the open road,
Music, and a best friend,
Made everything else in the month
Pale by comparison.
Now the dog days of summer
Are coming to an end.
So bring on the harvest moon
And whatever's around the bend.

July

Motto of the month:
Work hard, play harder
Than I’ve ever done before.
Burning that candle bright
At both ends,
And watching the wax
Drip the hours away.
Dog days of summer,
Month of my birth,
Has filled my nights
With dancing and mirth,
But work gets me down
So we go a few rounds,
Just to start it all over again.

 

June

June brought on gloom,

Deeper than puddles

After a rain.

Broke down at home,

And at work,

Just the same.

Unable to hide all the pain

I’d had hid

Over the years,

Stored away in my head.

But it’s time to move on,

Rip myself from the past,

Learn how to love

And enjoy life at last.

Remember how to laugh

And smile again.

Hold on to what's good.

Hold on to what's true.

And hope that, in the end,
They'll hold on to you, too.

May

May brought humility,

Honor and strength,

Welcoming home

Our nation’s young men and women

Hell-bent on protecting our freedom.
Overwhelming and powerful,
Putting things in perspective,
Talking to veterans
About their experiences
And planting flags on graves,
Paying homage to the sacrifices made.
All else in May
Pales in compare
To Memorial Day,
And honoring those near, far, and everywhere.

April

Walking on pins and needles,

Afraid to upset anyone and anything.

Not succeeding, but always reaching.

Not finding that peace.

Work as hectic as can be.

Idiocy abounds.

Stressed about parents,

But gotta keep myself from getting down.

So burn that candle at both ends,

And hope that you can learn to bend.

Swallow your pride

Like the April showers

And wish for nothing in May

But happiness and flowers.

A Psalm of Life

What the Heart of the Young Man Said to the Psalmist
Tell me not, in mournful numbers,
"Life is but an empty dream!"
For the soul is dead that slumbers,
And things are not what they seem.

Life is real! Life is earnest!
And the grave is not its goal;
"Dust thou art, to dust returnest,"
Was not spoken of the soul.

Not enjoyment, and not sorrow,
Is our destined end or way;
But to act, that each to-morrow
Finds us farther than to-day.

Art is long, and Time is fleeting,
And our hearts, though stout and brave,
Still, like muffled drums, are beating
Funeral marches to the grave.

In the world's broad field of battle,
In the bivouac of Life,
Be not like dumb, driven cattle!
Be a hero in the strife!

Trust no Future, howe'er pleasant!
Let the dead Past bury its dead!
Act,--act in the living Present!
Heart within, and God o'erhead!

Lives of great men all remind us
We can make our lives sublime,
And, departing, leave behind us
Footprints on the sands of time;

Footprints, that perhaps another,
Sailing o'er life's solemn main,
A forlorn and shipwrecked brother,
Seeing, shall take heart again.

Let us, then, be up and doing,
With a heart for any fate;
Still achieving, still pursuing
Learn to labor and to wait.

~Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

March

* I'm just going to say that I'm not feeling this one... it was a struggle to write and I do not feel like I encapsulated the events and the feelings of the month at all, but alas, the first week of the new month is over and I must post something before it gets any later... =/ Mreh.

Emotions ran rampant,

Ran out of control.

Sitting and waiting

Never did any good at all.

My dad pacing the floor,

Anxious to be at my mother’s side.

My sister talking non-stop,

And me just wanting to hide.

But some prayers are answered

And this one went through.

My mom came out okay,

Just lots of healing left to do.

And then to the east, I had to fly,

Off to a conference, where my liver did die.

Kindred spirits, I met,

Bared my soul to these guys,

Who, with their kind words,

Brought tears to my eyes.

And under the light of a neon moon,

I knew it would be over all too soon.

Back to California to help out at home,

Emotions raw and exhausted,

But holding my own.

Been pushed to the limit

Of things I can handle

But through all this,

For so much, I have to be thankful:

A mom getting better,

A safe trip to Raleigh

Old friends and new,

To support me

Through all the folly.

February

I will start off by saying, well played, February, well played.

 

This month was full of ups and downs,

Blushing conversations and harsh call-outs.

Friendships called into question

And new connections made

Have made this month quite interesting

In strange, strange ways.
Heartache, yes, but love and desire, too
Uncertainty prevails in everything I do.

Now the month of spring is upon us

And we’ll see just what it brings

Hospital stays and airplanes,

I know it has in store.

Now I’m left just wondering

What else awaits

Beyond the February door.

Friendship

Hmmm writing honestly about this is going to suck. This month two of my closest friends called into question something that I pride myself on: my friendships. I had thought that that was something that I’d gotten right, something I wasn’t half bad at. I kinda figured that this is why people come to me for advice or to vent or whatever. But I guess that isn’t the case. Instead I find out that I’m “someone who hurts her friends” and who is “highly critical.” And so I don’t have much to say anymore. And who knows you better than your friends? I judge myself by my friends. I regard them as pretty awesome people and I’ve considered myself lucky to have them in my life, and so to be found so lacking in the friendship skills area by two people who know me so well… I have no choice but to figure that it’s true. I may not coddle and comfort, but I won’t lie about how I feel. I guess that makes me a bitch. I’m glad that there are things that I do keep to myself. I am glad that I don’t say everything I could and everything that I want to, because God only knows what my friends would think of me then. And so it hurts. Because I don’t want to hurt the people around me. So what do you do when just by being you is enough to hurt the people around you or make them feel criticized?

You change. That’s what you do.

I’ll take a step back. People don’t need to know what I think. I have nothing to say. Good, bad, or otherwise. I will take a less active part in what goes on around me. I will not be so involved in the lives of my friends. At this moment, I’m not even comfortable with them coming to me for …anything… because I don’t want to hurt them. It sucks, cutting yourself off. Stifling your thoughts and opinions. Wanting to help but being afraid that something you’ll say will just end up hurting someone you care about. I’ve had plenty of blows emotionally, but I don’t think I’ve had one regarding the type of friend I am, never to this extent. Seriously, friendship…the one thing I thought I was doing right. I feel like I’ve made the effort to make this year rock. I’ve suggested outings and events. Each one pretty dang awesome, I think. But I’m tired. What’s the point? Oh well, the year is young. But wow, I haven’t hurt like this in awhile, finding myself tearing up or crying almost every day since it was said.


Update (March): At least I've stopped crying now and I've stopped feeling quite so sorry for myself.

January

January! What can I say?

But I filled you up,

Didn’t waste you away.

Concerts, plays, and trucks like monsters,

You brought on so many new adventures.

Tragedy struck too,

Reminding us not to waste our youth,

Taught us to remember

That life can be too short

Urged us to cherish

Our time here on Earth.

And now comes the month of Love!

Oh dreaded month, what horrors do you bring?

Is it of love and desire, or of heartache that I’ll sing?

Reminders

Reminders that life is too short happen too often and so unexpectedly.

Yesterday in the wee hours of the morning, a friend ran his truck off the road, through ditches, driveways, and yards, and into a tree. He was 29 years old and one of the most genuine and friendly people I've ever met. He was driven and determined, hard-working, the type of guy to give you the shirt off his back. And he always had a smile. I didn't know him very long and we weren't that close, much to my regret, but he was one of those people who, just by touching your life, gave you hope in the kindness in the world.

They think that alcohol was involved. It breaks my heart that such a great guy was lost on something that could have been prevented.

Please, I beg you, do not drink and drive. Do not think that you can handle it. All it takes is one. All it takes is your senses being even slightly impaired. The chance is too great, and even if you're okay risking your own life, please do not put others at risk.

My eyes are tired from crying. I'm at a loss. This was so unnecessary and senseless. Friends and family are hurting and grieving. Worlds have been turned upside down.