February

I will start off by saying, well played, February, well played.

 

This month was full of ups and downs,

Blushing conversations and harsh call-outs.

Friendships called into question

And new connections made

Have made this month quite interesting

In strange, strange ways.
Heartache, yes, but love and desire, too
Uncertainty prevails in everything I do.

Now the month of spring is upon us

And we’ll see just what it brings

Hospital stays and airplanes,

I know it has in store.

Now I’m left just wondering

What else awaits

Beyond the February door.

Friendship

Hmmm writing honestly about this is going to suck. This month two of my closest friends called into question something that I pride myself on: my friendships. I had thought that that was something that I’d gotten right, something I wasn’t half bad at. I kinda figured that this is why people come to me for advice or to vent or whatever. But I guess that isn’t the case. Instead I find out that I’m “someone who hurts her friends” and who is “highly critical.” And so I don’t have much to say anymore. And who knows you better than your friends? I judge myself by my friends. I regard them as pretty awesome people and I’ve considered myself lucky to have them in my life, and so to be found so lacking in the friendship skills area by two people who know me so well… I have no choice but to figure that it’s true. I may not coddle and comfort, but I won’t lie about how I feel. I guess that makes me a bitch. I’m glad that there are things that I do keep to myself. I am glad that I don’t say everything I could and everything that I want to, because God only knows what my friends would think of me then. And so it hurts. Because I don’t want to hurt the people around me. So what do you do when just by being you is enough to hurt the people around you or make them feel criticized?

You change. That’s what you do.

I’ll take a step back. People don’t need to know what I think. I have nothing to say. Good, bad, or otherwise. I will take a less active part in what goes on around me. I will not be so involved in the lives of my friends. At this moment, I’m not even comfortable with them coming to me for …anything… because I don’t want to hurt them. It sucks, cutting yourself off. Stifling your thoughts and opinions. Wanting to help but being afraid that something you’ll say will just end up hurting someone you care about. I’ve had plenty of blows emotionally, but I don’t think I’ve had one regarding the type of friend I am, never to this extent. Seriously, friendship…the one thing I thought I was doing right. I feel like I’ve made the effort to make this year rock. I’ve suggested outings and events. Each one pretty dang awesome, I think. But I’m tired. What’s the point? Oh well, the year is young. But wow, I haven’t hurt like this in awhile, finding myself tearing up or crying almost every day since it was said.


Update (March): At least I've stopped crying now and I've stopped feeling quite so sorry for myself.

January

January! What can I say?

But I filled you up,

Didn’t waste you away.

Concerts, plays, and trucks like monsters,

You brought on so many new adventures.

Tragedy struck too,

Reminding us not to waste our youth,

Taught us to remember

That life can be too short

Urged us to cherish

Our time here on Earth.

And now comes the month of Love!

Oh dreaded month, what horrors do you bring?

Is it of love and desire, or of heartache that I’ll sing?

Reminders

Reminders that life is too short happen too often and so unexpectedly.

Yesterday in the wee hours of the morning, a friend ran his truck off the road, through ditches, driveways, and yards, and into a tree. He was 29 years old and one of the most genuine and friendly people I've ever met. He was driven and determined, hard-working, the type of guy to give you the shirt off his back. And he always had a smile. I didn't know him very long and we weren't that close, much to my regret, but he was one of those people who, just by touching your life, gave you hope in the kindness in the world.

They think that alcohol was involved. It breaks my heart that such a great guy was lost on something that could have been prevented.

Please, I beg you, do not drink and drive. Do not think that you can handle it. All it takes is one. All it takes is your senses being even slightly impaired. The chance is too great, and even if you're okay risking your own life, please do not put others at risk.

My eyes are tired from crying. I'm at a loss. This was so unnecessary and senseless. Friends and family are hurting and grieving. Worlds have been turned upside down.

New Year

As 2012 came to its end,

A year full of pain, heartache, and strife,
I looked ahead and said “Amen!”
Hopeful of a new outlook on life.

Traditions

I read the article posted below today, and it got me thinking that this is kinda an awesome idea. There may be times, more often than I'd like to admit, when hearing things about military traditions and life leave me feeling a little sad. The last few years of my life have made me attuned to the hardships and the history and the everything that goes with military life, and it will always remind me of Matt. But the military is incredible, truly amazing. The sacrifices they make, the values they uphold (in theory)... it is inspiring. So when I read the article, I decided to do something like it for myself. Considering that Hanna thinks that I am more like Captain Kirk and she's Spock, I thought it was fitting. =P

 

Ships' logs start the new year in verse

(Some entries are great, others far worse)

Few among us can rival John Donne

But this is how it’s done every Jan. 1

 

 

As the Coast Guard cutter Haddock gently rocked on San Diego Bay late Monday, Chief Petty Officer William Hoffman tried to summon his inner William Butler Yeats.

“It’s been awhile,” he said of the last time he’d written a poem. “I’ll do my best.”

Sitting at a computer terminal, he typed the Jan. 1 entry in the log, the watch-by-watch report of the vessel’s status and activities:

As bells toll far and near striking in the New Year

The Mighty Cutter Haddock stands the watch at the Pier

Ready to respond to any threat toward this great country

Fighting for those who rest their beds all warm and comfy
 

This week, Hoffman and hundreds of other sailors performed one of the most charming customs of the Navy and Coast Guard. Aboard warships and cutters, the year’s first log entry is written in verse. This custom dates to at least 1937, notes the U.S. National Archives, where researchers pore over logs from World War II and the Vietnam War for historical insight — and the occasional flash of literary inspiration.

(http://www.utsandiego.com/news/2013/jan/01/military-vessels-new-years-rhyme-time/)

Find Out Who Your Friends Are...

And it seems, more often than not, end up being surprised.