A Psalm of Life

What the Heart of the Young Man Said to the Psalmist
Tell me not, in mournful numbers,
"Life is but an empty dream!"
For the soul is dead that slumbers,
And things are not what they seem.

Life is real! Life is earnest!
And the grave is not its goal;
"Dust thou art, to dust returnest,"
Was not spoken of the soul.

Not enjoyment, and not sorrow,
Is our destined end or way;
But to act, that each to-morrow
Finds us farther than to-day.

Art is long, and Time is fleeting,
And our hearts, though stout and brave,
Still, like muffled drums, are beating
Funeral marches to the grave.

In the world's broad field of battle,
In the bivouac of Life,
Be not like dumb, driven cattle!
Be a hero in the strife!

Trust no Future, howe'er pleasant!
Let the dead Past bury its dead!
Act,--act in the living Present!
Heart within, and God o'erhead!

Lives of great men all remind us
We can make our lives sublime,
And, departing, leave behind us
Footprints on the sands of time;

Footprints, that perhaps another,
Sailing o'er life's solemn main,
A forlorn and shipwrecked brother,
Seeing, shall take heart again.

Let us, then, be up and doing,
With a heart for any fate;
Still achieving, still pursuing
Learn to labor and to wait.

~Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

March

* I'm just going to say that I'm not feeling this one... it was a struggle to write and I do not feel like I encapsulated the events and the feelings of the month at all, but alas, the first week of the new month is over and I must post something before it gets any later... =/ Mreh.

Emotions ran rampant,

Ran out of control.

Sitting and waiting

Never did any good at all.

My dad pacing the floor,

Anxious to be at my mother’s side.

My sister talking non-stop,

And me just wanting to hide.

But some prayers are answered

And this one went through.

My mom came out okay,

Just lots of healing left to do.

And then to the east, I had to fly,

Off to a conference, where my liver did die.

Kindred spirits, I met,

Bared my soul to these guys,

Who, with their kind words,

Brought tears to my eyes.

And under the light of a neon moon,

I knew it would be over all too soon.

Back to California to help out at home,

Emotions raw and exhausted,

But holding my own.

Been pushed to the limit

Of things I can handle

But through all this,

For so much, I have to be thankful:

A mom getting better,

A safe trip to Raleigh

Old friends and new,

To support me

Through all the folly.

February

I will start off by saying, well played, February, well played.

 

This month was full of ups and downs,

Blushing conversations and harsh call-outs.

Friendships called into question

And new connections made

Have made this month quite interesting

In strange, strange ways.
Heartache, yes, but love and desire, too
Uncertainty prevails in everything I do.

Now the month of spring is upon us

And we’ll see just what it brings

Hospital stays and airplanes,

I know it has in store.

Now I’m left just wondering

What else awaits

Beyond the February door.

Friendship

Hmmm writing honestly about this is going to suck. This month two of my closest friends called into question something that I pride myself on: my friendships. I had thought that that was something that I’d gotten right, something I wasn’t half bad at. I kinda figured that this is why people come to me for advice or to vent or whatever. But I guess that isn’t the case. Instead I find out that I’m “someone who hurts her friends” and who is “highly critical.” And so I don’t have much to say anymore. And who knows you better than your friends? I judge myself by my friends. I regard them as pretty awesome people and I’ve considered myself lucky to have them in my life, and so to be found so lacking in the friendship skills area by two people who know me so well… I have no choice but to figure that it’s true. I may not coddle and comfort, but I won’t lie about how I feel. I guess that makes me a bitch. I’m glad that there are things that I do keep to myself. I am glad that I don’t say everything I could and everything that I want to, because God only knows what my friends would think of me then. And so it hurts. Because I don’t want to hurt the people around me. So what do you do when just by being you is enough to hurt the people around you or make them feel criticized?

You change. That’s what you do.

I’ll take a step back. People don’t need to know what I think. I have nothing to say. Good, bad, or otherwise. I will take a less active part in what goes on around me. I will not be so involved in the lives of my friends. At this moment, I’m not even comfortable with them coming to me for …anything… because I don’t want to hurt them. It sucks, cutting yourself off. Stifling your thoughts and opinions. Wanting to help but being afraid that something you’ll say will just end up hurting someone you care about. I’ve had plenty of blows emotionally, but I don’t think I’ve had one regarding the type of friend I am, never to this extent. Seriously, friendship…the one thing I thought I was doing right. I feel like I’ve made the effort to make this year rock. I’ve suggested outings and events. Each one pretty dang awesome, I think. But I’m tired. What’s the point? Oh well, the year is young. But wow, I haven’t hurt like this in awhile, finding myself tearing up or crying almost every day since it was said.


Update (March): At least I've stopped crying now and I've stopped feeling quite so sorry for myself.

January

January! What can I say?

But I filled you up,

Didn’t waste you away.

Concerts, plays, and trucks like monsters,

You brought on so many new adventures.

Tragedy struck too,

Reminding us not to waste our youth,

Taught us to remember

That life can be too short

Urged us to cherish

Our time here on Earth.

And now comes the month of Love!

Oh dreaded month, what horrors do you bring?

Is it of love and desire, or of heartache that I’ll sing?

Reminders

Reminders that life is too short happen too often and so unexpectedly.

Yesterday in the wee hours of the morning, a friend ran his truck off the road, through ditches, driveways, and yards, and into a tree. He was 29 years old and one of the most genuine and friendly people I've ever met. He was driven and determined, hard-working, the type of guy to give you the shirt off his back. And he always had a smile. I didn't know him very long and we weren't that close, much to my regret, but he was one of those people who, just by touching your life, gave you hope in the kindness in the world.

They think that alcohol was involved. It breaks my heart that such a great guy was lost on something that could have been prevented.

Please, I beg you, do not drink and drive. Do not think that you can handle it. All it takes is one. All it takes is your senses being even slightly impaired. The chance is too great, and even if you're okay risking your own life, please do not put others at risk.

My eyes are tired from crying. I'm at a loss. This was so unnecessary and senseless. Friends and family are hurting and grieving. Worlds have been turned upside down.

New Year

As 2012 came to its end,

A year full of pain, heartache, and strife,
I looked ahead and said “Amen!”
Hopeful of a new outlook on life.