#SujaSadFace Part Two

Day Two…and I’m still adrift on this sea of liquefied vegetables and fruit

I slept so well. I wake up early. I feel refreshed and ready to start the new day! …I still have an hour before my alarm goes off… but, hey, this is a good sign!

The Turnpike Troubadours wake me up with their melodious sounds. I’m smiling. I wake up and I’m smiling. What the …? I hit snooze because I set four alarms to wake me up. There’s still no reason for me to get up just yet. When I finally do, I’m still pretty upbeat. I feel like I can take on the day!

And so begins the routine. Heat up water, add lemon and apple cider vinegar. Shower. Get dressed. Go to work.

(Again short-term memory is definitely suffering. I’m writing this post 24 hours later and I’m having a hard time remembering the little things. I don’t remember the conversation going into work. I don’t remember much of how I spent my morning.)

I have breakfast. Still feeling strong. Justine comes over to talk about some craft projects and I’m downright chipper! I try to space out my “meals.” I think I’ll aim to start the snack (Fuel) for 10:30am.

I think I get some work done. I talk to Taylor. Email my masseuse. Pack up my desk (for the big re-org…ugh).

I manage to make it to 10:30am. Fuel is delicious. Still doing okay.

Around 11:30am, I get a message from my co-worker. He and a couple others are going to Chipotle. Mmmm, Chipotle. I’m welcome to come. I don’t know why, but I agree to go. He is a friend. I expect support. I thought that’s what friends did. On the way to Chipotle, he and another start talking about food, and how they are starving, and how all of these things are going to taste sooooo good, and then, the other starts showing me pictures of food on his phone. I have to admit, I’m actually kind of hurt. I feel defeated. I feel alone. I feel unsupported. I had agreed to go for the company, but found that so very lacking.

I have an avocado and an apple with me, in case I can’t take it. And I can’t. I give in. Again. The avocado tastes so good. I douse it with lemon, salt, pepper, and tabasco. But watching my co-workers eat tortillas and cheese and salsa…my mouth is watering just thinking about it. I tell myself that the avocado is enough. I don’t break in to the apple.

The day goes downhill from there. I can’t concentrate. I can’t think. Time ticks by. I don’t even notice. I’m tired. So tired.

I hope that a little bit more food helps. I suck on almond slivers, letting them turn to mush in my mouth. Maybe just the act of salivating and swallowing will make my body think that I’m actually eating. I don’t want to cheat! I’m disappointed in myself. I’ve failed.

I pack up more things, trying to distract myself. I put on Doctor Who, while going through my massive amounts of files. This is good. Still cleaning all the things. Purging. This will hopefully help when I quit. Less crap to go through. I need to apply, but I can’t think. This also makes me sad. I want out. I need to apply.

A co-worker aggravates me and it makes me want to cry. Over-emotional much?

I quickly peel two tangerines and suck on some more almond slivers. And drink the after-lunch snack. I’m just so tired.

I drive down to pick up Hanna and we go to my chiropractic appointment. The entire car ride is spent analyzing the effects of the juices, and thinking about the first meals we’ll have. I want to go home and eat. I swear I’ll eat clean. I have a plan. I just want to eat. I don’t feel well.

The appointment goes well. I’ve made a lot of progress. I’m still off kilter but I’ve made progress. I haven’t had “dinner” yet and I forget to grab it from the back of the car. I have to wait until we’re home. I want to cook. I need to call my parents, though. My uncle isn’t doing well and he has a heart procedure on Wednesday. I want to know if there’s an update. I drink dinner while I talk to my mom. I’m distracted from hunger as I ramble to her and we talk about supplements and options for helping with a medical condition that I’m dealing with. Time has sped ever on, and I have to have “dessert” rather soon after having “dinner.” I wanted a little bit of something before going to bed. I try to eat an apple. I take a bite and it is almost sickeningly sweet. It would have been such a good apple. But it’s so sweet. I can’t go on. I eat some almonds and drink some whey with my dessert, instead.

It’s so early, but I don’t have the energy to do anything. One of the things that I was looking forward to with this was all the time freed up by not needing to prep food for the next day. But now I have free time and no energy to get anything done.

I’ve felt feverish and my leg feels like it’s cramping and won’t let go. (I think I need potassium and magnesium. This worries me. It’s a terrible thing to be vitamin or mineral deficient. I start to worry about the benefits of the program.) It might be a good idea to take a bath. Flush out the bad. Help my body get rid of everything.

I’ll admit, the bath was nice. Since my mind can’t focus, the bath was actually relaxing. Usually I just lay there and think and think and think, my mind going a mile a minute. Not this time. Not now. All I feel is warmth. I can smell the lavender, tea tree, and frankincense (it is Christmas time, after all). All I hear is the meditation music from my Pandora station. It’s so nice. I know I don’t feel well, when all I can focus on is the moment.

I’m in there a long time. When I finally get out, I get into my pjs and do some yoga, hoping that will help clear my mind and body. I’m really relaxed. I’m in a daze. I decide I really need to finish yesterday’s post. I journal. I pray. I read the Bible. And then I pass the heck out.