#SujaSadFace Part Three

Day Three… the end is in sight…

I wake up grumpy. I’d dreamt of food. I grump at my alarm. I grump at the sun. (I’m sorry, sun.) I grump my way into the kitchen to heat up some water for the lemon and apple cider vinegar. And I become a little less grumpy as I drink some of it while waiting for the shower to heat up. The shower helps too. I can feel myself waking up and I’m a little less grumpy. I feel like most of the grumpiness comes from just plain not feeling well. I feel slightly feverish. Detoxing.

I get ready for work. My mind is sluggish. I can’t seem to concentrate on any one task. It’s almost zen-like. I’ve moved beyond the hunger. My mind does feel quieter. It’s not being pulled in a billion different directions, but I think that’s just because it doesn’t have the resources to do so. But the quiet is nice. I’m not thinking ahead. I’m not borrowing trouble. Because all of that is a waste of the little fuel that my body and mind seem to have. I’m living a couple hours at a time. Is it possible that I’m more in the now? Hmmm, that is a good thing.

We drive to work. I’m late. I don’t even care. (I kind of care.) It’s my own fault. It always is. I don’t have the emotional resources to beat myself up over it.

I’d had a swig of coffee before leaving the house. I didn’t feel like I needed it, but I was afraid that if I didn’t take at least one gulp, I’d be paying the price for the rest of the day. I’ll do better tomorrow. Right now, at this moment (8:49am), I think I can do the four days…but talk to me again around dinner.

I’m at work, at my desk, and there’s a little surprise Christmas stocking with a little bottle of perfume in it. No note, no nothing. I have NO idea who it’s from.

I open up Glow. The first drink is terrible today. I begin to be afraid that I’ll develop an aversion to all of the things in these drinks because this is an unpleasant experience. And that would be a shame. But as I continue to drink, it starts to actually taste pretty good. There’s hope yet…

Jim, the oldest person in the department, comes by and asks if I got the present. It’s from him! I’d have never guessed! Makes me smile so much! I needed this. I was always pretty sure he didn’t like me.

It’s 10:38am and I’ve started Fuel. I don’t want think. I’m trying not to guzzle it. I don’t feel hungry. I mean, I do, but I don’t want to eat. I just want to feel full. It’s a very interesting. I don’t really miss chewing..right now. But I do really, really miss feeling satisfied. And I miss having my wits about me.

It’s nearing to lunch. I don’t want to drink something for lunch. I want to eat. I’m not really craving anything anymore, just the feeling of fullness.

I go down to check out the new space I’ll have at work. I don’t want to move. It’s so quiet down there. But, more motivation to go! I open up “lunch.” This is not delicious. I’m getting angry at the lack of food. I take a few drinks. I’m feeling a smidge better.

The co-worker who made me want to cry yesterday just came by to apologize. It was a sincere apology. And it made me tear up again. This is stupid. But, if I’m being honest, any sincere apology makes me want to cry. I suck on some more almonds.

I don’t want to eat. I don’t like this. I’m so hungry, but I don’t feel like eating.

We’re about to have a going away party with snacks for our team. This is such a joke. Our director is doing this more for show than for us. I’m not looking forward to it, and for the way I’m feeling, I may say something that I’ll regret. (But will I regret it?)  

It’s after lunch. I cheated. I failed. I couldn’t do it. I had hummus, some dressing, a cheese slice, and a cracker. But I feel so much better. My head feels clear. I can think. I can carry on a conversation. I want more food. I might need more food. I can concentrate again. It’s amazing! The cheese tasted extra sharp, the bread…my heavens! I died a thousand deaths in that bread! But I feel ashamed. And I don’t like that. I don’t like a program that makes you feel ashamed. I like programs that are about moderation. I know that it’s in my own hands. I can snack if I want/need to, but you’re not supposed to by the standards of the programs. And so, by the standards of the program, I failed.

I’m hungry again. It’s almost 4:00pm. I’m drinking my mid afternoon snack. I do really like this one. Not filling, but definitely delicious. I just had another snack! I cannot tell you how much better I feel.

Almost time to go.

I get home. I still feel ashamed. All is lost. I failed the program. But I want food. I need to start reintroducing food anyway. This doesn't make me feel better about myself. I can't fight how clear my head felt, though, and how much more awake I was, so I serve up some salsa, which of course, means chips and cheese, too. I do drink dinner with it, as I make lunch for the next day! Lunch! Can you believe it? Solid food! I make some quinoa, chop up some green onions, tomatoes, and lunch meat. I'm salivating.

I have so much energy! I'm so awake. I drink part of my dessert as I sit down to watch tv and craft. Feels like it's been days since I've had enough energy to even craft.

I make myself go to bed. I know I need sleep.

It's over. I'm not proud.